ROD’s Guide to the Euro’s Quarter Finals

I bet you can guess what I’ve been doing the last two weeks, can’t you? It's more than likely the exact same that you’ve been doing: waiting until 5o’clock came so that you could sit down to watch the Euros until 10 o’clock. Also, again probably the same as you, I’ve managed to watch every single game of the competition so far (apart from Matchday 3 games – that would be impossible unless I was Will Smith in Men in Black Three). All I can say is thank god that the football is back! After what seems like an eternity in the sporting wilderness where I was watching beach soccer and American college basketball it’s only right that the Euros has conjured up some fantastic games! Who would’ve guessed that Greece would beat Russia in their final group game to seal a quarter final spot after the Russians seemed like the Red Army smashing their way through Germany in the Second World War or that Holland would go home pointless after being tipped by some to paint Poland and the Ukraine orange! Truly, football is a remarkable game.

But what next? Well, as I’m sure you’ll know we enter the quarterfinal stage of the competition (which is tomorrow, yet more football to feast upon!) and as a result of that you will probably need some information on the teams so you can reel off your knowledge in the pub with your friends who will pretend to care but really will just want to throttle you for being a know-it-all. Luckily for you, you seem to have stumbled upon my little guide to Euro 2012 quarterfinalists with all the knowledge you need to know for the next four days.

Team One: The Czech Republic 

When the groups were first announced Group A was seen by many as the easiest group of them all. Very much an eastern-European affair with the exception of those intimidating Greeks, it looked like a walkover for Russia and then a straight out dogfight for second place between Poland and the Czech Republic. Football is a strange game, and it didn’t turn out that way.

After a good old fashioned beating from Russia, who managed to put 4 past the Czechs and Darth Vader, oh, er, I mean Petr Cech, it all looked very worrying for the Czechs. But they plucked up the courage and strength to beat the Greeks in Matchday Two (just) that put them on the brink of qualification. After a tightly fought neighbour vs neighbour battle in Wroclaw that had more in common with UFC than football the Czechs managed to get that win that saw them through into the quarter-finals, in which now will now face Ronaldo. No wait, I mean Portugal. 

What Czech players are the ones to keep an eye on? Well, Petr Jiracek certainly seems to have lit the eyes of some managers – mostly those that buy talent based on tournament performances it has to be said – and he will certainly be one that Portugal have to watch. Another Czech that seems to have been performing well is Václav Pilař who has scored twice for the Czechs so far in the tournament, which is very healthy seeing as the top goal scorer thus far has 3.

The Portuguese will have to be on their best form and not allow Ronaldo to get taken out of the game if they hope to withstand the Czech onslaught and avoid a massive shock. That said, Portugal are having a bit of trouble with cheques at the moment aren’t they?

Team Two: Portugal

Runners-up in the “Group of Death”, Portugal seem to have come into play at the right time of the tournament. After being beaten 1-0 by the ruthless Germans and somehow managing to beat the Danes in a thriller in Lviv, Ronaldo well and truly put Holland to the sword. I’m sorry, I meant Portugal. I have no idea why I keep saying Ronaldo in a singular form, as if he makes the Portugal team!

The Portuguese will most definitely fancy their chances: the fashion boys of Europe with their gelled hair and their waxed backs are against the vicious, long-haired Czechs who care not for looks but want to taste Portuguese blood. Portugal are most certainly in for a battle.

The players to watch? Of course, they have Ronaldo, the second-best player in the world whose step-overs and flip-flaps are a thing of art and should be displayed in the National Art Gallery. Nani is also another Portuguese star that has all the usual flair that we come to expect of the Premier League star that I’m sure is another one to watch on Thursday.  Fábio Coentrão, the Madrid defender, is also another one to watch. With one assist to his name already, expect many bombardments down the wing from him against the Czechs.

Quarter-Final One Prediction: Czech Republic 0-2 Portugal

Team Three: Germany

The Germans. European powerhouse in both terms of politics and football. They are the only team to have won all three of their games in the group stages, which is no surprise seeing we all know how efficient they are. In what was billed as a close game, Germany simply walked all over Holland (not for the first time) and wouldn’t have conceded if it weren’t for a bit of magic from Van Persie. Germany were simply brilliant.

Now they face up to the Greeks, resilient, strong, and funnily enough completely at the will of the German government and Angela Merkel. Although Greece isn’t exactly a major footballing nation, they have won the Euros before in 2004 and they managed to beat the Russians to get this far, so the Germans will most certainly be looking to crush any form of resistance to their plans of securing Euro 2012.

Germany have developed so much fresh talent in the past few years that it actually frightens me. The main players to watch out for in this game however? The joint-leading top goal scorer: Mario Gomez (how un-German does that sound?) is most certainly at the forefront of the German bombardment. In the past Greece had Alexander the Great. Now they must face Mario the Conqueror. Another player that the Germans have in their awesome firepower is Mesut Ozil, the little magician from Gelsenkirchen. Often compared to Zidane, the Madrid legend, his quick feet and attacking style of play can cause a problem to any defence, even if the Greeks defend like Trojans. Certainly, both are ones to watch out for in this quarterfinal match.

Team Four: Greece

After being drawn into Group A and being held to a 1-1 draw with co-hosts Poland in their first game after a diabolical refereeing decision and then being beaten 2-1 by the Czech Republic thing looked bleak for Greece. Not as bleak as their politics, but bleak nonetheless. But then something amazing happened: they beat the Russians. That shock result put them through in second place behind the Czechs, and into the siege that will be the quarterfinal against Germany.

Greece have it all to do, but they have reason to do it. In political terms, the Greeks will have no better incentive to beat the Germans than to get one over Angela Merkel.  After their crisis in the Eurozone, getting one over the woman that holds all the keys (which could be any woman to be honest) could be the inspiration they need to create a shock and knock the Germans out.

Giorgos Karagounis is certainly the Greek to look out for in the coming game – it was his goal that knocked the Russians out in matchday three.  The modern day Achilles, the Germans will have to be able to put him in their back pockets to have an easier time in this match. How is it they killed Achilles in the end? A stud to the ankle? Hmm…

Quarter-Final Two Prediction: Germany 3-0 Greece

Team Five: Spain

Being drawn into Group C, many expected Spain to have very little, if no problems in qualifying for the knockout stages. Apart from a blip against Italy, they were back on form again to knock the stuffing out of an Ireland team that looked extremely poor, very much like the country itself. Spain only just managed to beat Croatia in their final group game, with a Jesus Navas goal, which took some real skill to smash in from two yards in the 88^th minute securing them the win. 

Spain play the French in what will surely be a tightly contested match, as both teams are some of the best at the tournament. Spain are defending their crown (which hasn’t been done yet) which is the incentive the win here. Spain can of course take heart from France’s dismal performance against the Swedes last night in which they were beaten 2-0.

Spain have so many phenomenal players to look out for, but if I had to pick one which has outshone the rest in this tournament the it would be little David Silva. So far he has scored once and set-up three of his teammates in the competition – I think that’s someone you would definitely call a wingman and would love to have with you on a night out! Although he didn’t have the best of games in his last game, I think he will definitely perform against the French. He must perform should we say?

Team Six: France

Les Bleus were drawn into Group D, which most pundits expected them to qualify from, and they did.  They had a hard fought 1-1 draw with England in the 90 Minute War and then beat the Ukraine 2-0 to pretty much guarantee qualification. In what can only be seen as a massive blip against Sweden in their last game, they lost 2-0 in which Ibrahimovic scored a sensational strike to put France to the guillotine. An England win put France into second place that means they will now face European and World Champions Spain.

France will be pretty confident going into the Spain game, although they had a terrible performance against the Swedes that reminds you of their performances in South Africa in 2010. They were unbeaten in 23 matches prior to their demolishment by Sweden, and they can take plenty of heart from that in their match against the Spanish.

Karim Benzema and Samir Nasri are by far and away the best players the French have at the tournament. Benzema hasn’t hit form goal scoring wise yet, but has two assists to his name, whereas Nasri has one goal: a great strike against England in their first game. Spain will have their little hands full trying to handle both of these Frenchmen.

Quarter-Final Three Prediction: Spain 2-1 France

Team 7: England

Pessimism and doubt seem to have done England the world of good at this tournament, as they have performed quite well. They haven’t lost a single game yet, winning two and drawing one, and seem to be a very close-knit unit. The strikers are scoring goals and seem to be thriving on the weight of no expectations on their shoulders.

England face Italy in what will be a game most likely settled by a single goal. Both teams seem to like to play a defensive game, in other words they like to play 10 men behind the ball and build a wall across their goalmouths. England must fancy their chances against Italy, who had a less then great warm-up to the Euros, losing all three games.

Steven Gerrard has been the best Englishman at the tournament so far, with three assists in three games. He is simply a colossus in the midfield and if England have any chance of winning, he must perform like he has done the last three games. I’m sure, however, if he does one of his crunching tackles he may kill the Italian players – they go down like they’ve been shot.

Team Eight: Italy

After an utterly useless warm-up to the tournament, with the team playing worse than the Faroe Islands and the whole match-fixing scandal, the tournament has gone extremely well for the Italians. Draws against Spain and Croatia and then an empathic victory against Ireland has put them in a good position, facing an England team that I’m sure most of the world would think is well under strength and with a man who looks as old and grey as Gandalf in charge.

Italy will be confident going into their battle against England on Sunday – The Azzurri haven’t looked like losing a game yet (maybe because they’ve been bribing people? It’s just a thought). They may also think that in coming second in their group they’ve avoided the harder tie of France and so that may give them some confidence.

Although Italy may think Hodgson is older than Gandalf, Italy seem to have a player who is older than time itself: Andrea Pirlo. He has definitely been the best Italian at the tournament so far with one goal and two assists. England will definitely have to be on their toes at the back in order to cut out his balls that he very much likes to play.

Quarter-Final Four Prediction: England 1-2 Italy

There you have it. My indefinite guide to the quarterfinals at Euro 2012. I hope you put it to good use and manage to impress (or anger) your friends down the pub. Just remember, if the predictions are wrong then don’t blame me. Blame the Italians.

Ten Easy Steps To Winning the Euros

With the domestic football season coming to a dramatic close in most European countries (such as Moneybags City looking set to win their first title and the Juve-mafia taking the Italian crown) there’s normally not much to look forward to over the summer. Maybe the odd friendly cup tournament, but that’s about it.  Thankfully, every two years there is an international tournament. The World Cup or The European Championships. This year, we luckily have the Euros, being held in the wonderful countries of the Ukraine and Poland. Of course, this is a joyous time for us fans, as it continues the football season far into our summer holidays. On the other hand, share a thought for those poor people in the world, who at this time of year are stressed, anxious and are as near to a mental breakdown as Charlie Sheen is everyday of his life. That’s right, I’m talking about the managers. Roy Hodgson, Giovanni Trapattoni, Joachim Löw etc.  Each one of these men has been charged by their country to win the Euros. But just how do they do that? Well, don’t despair managers of Europe, I have come up with 10 fool -proof ways to ensure Euro 2012 victory.

10. Plan Well in Advance

This may sound like common sense, but believe it or not many managers and football associations overlook this. The planning for the Euros doesn’t start as the season ends. Oh no. It starts the minute the team qualifies, back in October. Don’t be a fool and wait until you are on the plane to the Ukraine when you decide what formations you’re going to play or who’s going to play where. Lets’ face it; you probably aren’t as gifted or as talented as “the special one”, so this approach most definitely wont work. The planning doesn’t just fall down to the managers; their football associations have to do their fair share of the work too. Basically, what I’m trying to get at here is if you decide on your manager a couple of months before the Euros, things most probably wont go too well for you. Look at the likes of Germany and Spain, whose manager’s have been in place for what seems like 4534 years. Perfection takes time, so the planning is vitally important. If you’re still not convinced about planning well in advance, just look at Capello’s team selection the day of the World Cup matches in 2010. I’m sure you don’t want that kind of problems whilst you’re trying to win the Euros, so plan, plan plan! 

9. Total Football

Total football is a simple yet effective way of dominating the opposition whilst still retaining your shape and discipline. It’s important not to get total football confused with the Barcelona style of “tiki-taka” – total football means that every player can play in every position with the exception of the goalkeeper. Although, if you are manager of England, keep in mind Joe Hart’s last gasp header against Sporting Lisbon in the Europa League, it could come in handy in some games. Back to total football, and I hear you may be asking why this would win you the Euros. It requires enormous technical ability from each player, so having dead wood in your team is a no-no. Also, you may find that you have a hidden gem on your team, who may be far more comfortable playing in midfield than attack, or vise-versa. You never know, your 3^rd choice goalkeeper may become the top goal-scorer at this year’s Euros as a result of total football. Obviously, as a result of the immense technical demand on your players as a result of total football, you may need to start at this year’s Euros and continue it on until the next one for it to become effective. Once again, it may take time, but just take a look at that nerdy girl that used to sit next to you in History. Back then she was an ugly, acne-infested nerd, and now she’s a supermodel. Good things do take time. 

8. Leave the WAGs at Home

A major problem for most guys is the distraction that females cause. It’s not their fault, how can you help yourself from being distracted when your wife is a 4-time winner of Miss. World? However, when it comes to a major footballing tournament such as the Euros, the WAGs have to stay at home. You really don’t want a fiasco like the 2006 World Cup with England, where the poor performance was blamed on the WAGs. It really isn’t worth the hassle. Sure the player’s may miss them. The media will most definitely miss them. You may even miss not having them to look at, but at the end of the day Mr. Manager, you are there to win the Euros, not look at supermodels. What does the term ‘WAGs” actually stand for? Well, cultural analysts from Uzbekistan suggest that it stands for “Wives Against Goals”, purely because if your star striker spots his supermodel girlfriend in the stand, he most definitely wont be aiming at the goal. 

7. Get the Country Behind You

The mood in your country before a major tournament is one of the most important things to sort out before you get on the plane. Your country needs to be excited, optimistic and 110% behind your boys for you to have any chance of doing well at the Euros. How are you going to do this? Well, getting on the good side of the media is probably the most vital thing you can do. The media controls public opinion. If the media says Britney Spears is a coke addict, then she’s a coke addict. If the media say that Ched Evans should never play football again, then he should never play football again. If the media say that you are the greatest thing since slice bread, then the public will think that. Also, the amount of fans you have out there following you will greatly affect the morale of your team. If you are manager of, let’s say Ireland, and your players walk out into a sea of green in their first game, their morale will be sky high, and they may go out there and demolish whoever it is they are playing.  Just make sure that’s in a footballing sense, we don’t want any nasty incidents occurring.

6. Do a “Suarez”

Before we go any further, no, do not be racist. What I mean, rather, is make your players so patriotic that they will do anything to win. You need to ensure that your players will put their bodies on the line in order for you to win, they need to take the ball in the head, neck or chest. Of course the Suarez incident in the 2010 World Cup can be seen as cheating, but he is a hero in his country as a result of it. Wouldn’t you like you or your players to be remembered in folklore for the next millennia? The players in your squad have to be so patriotic that they will kiss that badge before they go to bed every night, otherwise they wont be able to sleep.  Players like Saurez win tournaments, not just for their footballing skills, but also for their risk taking and their will to do anything to win.

5. Don’t do a “Zidane”

Moving on from being a living legend, we get to a “what not to do” at the Euros. Let’s state the obvious. Don’t get sent off. Don’t get banned for the final. What else? Oh, that’s right, don’t head-butt the opposition in the most important game your country has ever been involved in.  This would be possibly the most stupid and foolish thing anyone has ever done, apart from Ashley Cole cheating on Cheryl. Now that was crazy. But back to the point, getting sent off in the European Championship finals would put your country in the worst possible position, 11 vs 10. In a game where one goal is easily enough to win, you need all eleven men on the pitch in order to achieve your ultimate goal, which isn’t head-butting your opposite number amazingly enough. By all means, be the football side of Zidane, but for god’s sakes don’t viciously assault the man that’s marking you! 

4. Have a Delicate Mix Between Youth and Experience

Someone once said “You don’t win anything with youngsters”, and although not ultimately true you do need some experience mixed in with youngsters. Just like when you are making a cake, you need to mix the ingredients thoroughly. Now I may sound a bit like Gordon Ramsey, but my point is simple. The experienced players, the ones who have been there before, will know how to handle themselves at a major tournament. For the youngsters, this may be their first ever major tournament, and for some of them it may be their first ever time away from their mothers and fathers, and so they will need a father figure there to guide them. Just make sure they’re all CRB checked, just to be on the safe side. On the football pitch, this mix will pay off, as you will have the flair of the youngsters as well as the cool-heads of the experienced players. Hopefully, this will result in none of the younger players busting into tears when they miss from 0.34 millimeters out, because let’s face it, its bound to happen at some point. 

3. Don’t Concede

Easily said, not so easy to do. This may seem obvious to most people, but it was always going to figure highly on the list. If you don’t concede, you don’t lose. Simples, hey? A well drilled defence and an acrobatic goalkeeper who can spring like a kangaroo will most defiantly help the cause, but everyone needs to chip in. Think about a house: if the foundations aren’t correct, it will fall down. If the walls aren’t made properly, it will fall down. If the roof is top-heavy, it will fall down. The same can be said for your football team. Defence, midfield and attack all need to defend like the Brits defended Britain in World War Two in order for you to win a tournament. Especially tournaments like the Euros, where some of the most formidable attacks in the world are situated. 

2. Score

If you had half a brain cell, you could probably see this one coming. Not conceding is only half the battle, you need your team to get up the other end and bang some in. Goals can come from anywhere; a corner, a free kick or even a goal kick, so if you have selected the right players then you should find this part easy. If, however, you have selected someone like Emile Heskey, then you’ve pretty much had it on the goal-scoring front. You need to score like you’re back in high school and you are at the prom with the girl of your dreams. Scoring, in my opinion, is the most important thing you can do at Euro 2012. Apart from the crazy goal celebrations, but I’ll leave that up to the discretion of your players. 

1.  Be Spain

Finally, we have reached number one of my ’10 Easy Steps to Winning the Euros” and to be honest there is one sure way to win the European Championships. Simply be Spain: the reigning champions. Easier said than done maybe, but at the end of the day Spain have got to be the favourites for the tournament, and if any one of you want to win the Euros easily, then being Spain has got to be top of the list. Their passing style of football will pass the death out of any team it comes up against, meaning that they wont concede because they will have 99.99% possession. Also, they have the firepower up front to score bags of goals, with players like Llorente and Torres. The country is always well behind the football team, and the players put club differences behind them when they play for Spain. They most definitely have a mix between youth and experience, and have been there and done it before. Being Spain is definitely the most easiest and simple way of winning the Euros. 

So there we are. Your easy guide to winning the Euros is complete, and now as I’m sure Mr. Hodgson will be reading this he will get to work implementing my ideas into the England set-up for the upcoming Euros. I wouldn’t be surprised if the team had to learn Spanish in a vain attempt at implementing my number one step. At the end of the day, it will be interesting to see who does come out on top at this summer’s Euros. I just hope they give credit where credit is due and state this guide as the obvious reason for their triumph.